So much...

Do you ever get the feeling like you want to cry, but you have no clue why? perhaps you search and search for a reason but find none, and then you end up feeling like a wuss? It's not dream, it's a nightmare...
I've been getting this strange unsettling feeling for the past month or so.... Everything, building up. NYC was no break. A vacation? yes, but quite the rat race. (i still liked it though). One week's worth of true break and mama constantly heatedly telling us our scholarly troubles and unfinished assignments in our ears. Basketball practice, a capella, snowboarding, 'tourney, choir clinic, and recently? babysitting the pony of my childhood dreams for the next few years! And believe me when I say that this sweet lil-ol-peppy guy is more stress reliever than inhibitor!
my head: "Mama's still freakin, and I'm still growing into me and breaking farther away... Why? what causes all this crap we have to deal in life? It smarts right n bad where it counts on the inside. Can't it just all go away? " fingers fly to work at the keyboard to finish a stray bit of forensics extra credit. " I wish I could run to someplace I know its safe... ... but then wouldn't that get us into more of a fix than we  already are?" fingers lay idly, and my back pushes against the chair, relieving discomfort from an awkward hunched position.  ".... I wish I could go bury my face in Teddy's mane... breathe in his sweet grassy scent... ...listen to his soft whickers and feel his strong muscles twitch and relax.... but I don't think he'll be in the mood of socializing till he really gets nicely settled in..." tap tap, tap tap, tap tap, tap tap... "This is when I pray and give up... surrender my all again to God..."
God (or atleast what sounded like God): "you know I'm always here for you... you know I will take it away if I can but I can give you peace if I'm not allowed to."
me: "but your God! you make the rules, how can you say you would if you could?"
God: "..."
me: "right... the second coming"
God: "I'm coming soon... soon no one will hurt anymore..."
me: "when?"
silence...

me: "right... back to work"
God: "I'm watching over you..."
me: "i wish i felt that more..."
silence again...
Me: " *sigh... i gotta try..."

could a nightmare be turned into a dream?