"Dang, Baby-Girl..."

"Dang, baby-girl... look whatchoo dun, fool!"

Those words follow me... I do something stupid, that's the first thing that runs through my head when I do. Tonight? Those words were used along with some much stronger language I probably shouldn't be saying in the first place... I treated the one I care most about like a yesterday's trash... I'm tired from a hard mt. bike ride, I'm short on sleep, and the one person that loves me unconditionally and wants to help me, I let fly... horrible way to end a day.

The poor guy... He didn't do anything but love and care. As soon as that phone was hung up, I knew... I did no good in that... he tried desperately to get good things through my thick skull, and I loathed his words because my thickskull and my ridiculous pride got in the way. I regretted it all a short while later... This is what humanity does to Christ. He loves us. He is a jealous lover and will never stop loving or forgiving or chasing us down. This is what we do to Christ. We nailed him to the tree with our choices. What if we did a greek 180*? I want to be at the foot of that cross. Forgiven, make a turn around. Start treating them right. Beginning with my first love when I see him and my everylasting and only tonight.

"Out of pain is born love..."


- Lf

Long time coming...

It's been atleast three months since I last posted something....  It has been a crazy three months and I will not go into any further detail or else risk boring whoever happens to be reading this. A brief overview would be I worked at camp, came home to an ever-loving buddy, started junior year, stepped up and became part of ASB via Spiritual VP, and brought home another camp horse (since Teddy and Knight went home) by the name of Moriah. That is my three months in short.

I will post more later, it is just for the moment I need to go to bed so I am rested for the mt. bike ride tomorrow. Later ya'll!

-Lf

Death Happens....

A couple friends of mine lost someone they knew... One was the guy's best friend, the other just a friend. This guy was a 16 y/o highschooler.... he left behind his football team, a buttload of friends, a fun, loving family, and a girlfriend who loved him. He died young... not many around here do. He died never having the experience of a real life outside a shared home, a occupation, a family... maybe he even died without accomplishing his biggest dream. His family is heartbroken.... His friends devastated.... And may the Father pour His peace and grace over his girlfriend.... death happens. If only it didn't have to come so hard...
 The one thing that really caught me when I "FB Stalked" his page.... He died a Jesus Freak. In his own words, he put this down in his information. His bestie posted many heartfelt statuses that would make anybody's heart wrench. His best friend also said that he would eagerly await the day when he would either join him in heaven or see him at the second coming. I do not believe in spirits rising to heaven while the body lays in the grave. I believe in a temporary, dreamless sleep where the dead will awake when Christ comes. But knowing that these boys believed that they would see each other again in the Father's love is enough to send a surge of hope through everything that I know. Both of them appear to be toughened teenagers from going to a rowdy public highschool. These boys have the full weight of worldly things pressing on them and they still believe. They will see each other again, that is for sure. It is a message of hope to me as a reviving Christian. If they can believe in the midst of their battle against the Devil's bombardments, then why can't I in the midst of a sheltered life away from most temptations? Death happens... but in death there is also life... The One forfeit his life, so we might live.
 In His death we are Alive. I will no longer take this for granted. The friend two friends will see each other again. I believe it with all my heart.

Long Time, No Speak

Today I come back to the land of bits and bytes. =)

This is Teddy.

He is a 20 y/o Welsh pony with the spunk of a young gelding. He's 13.2hh (small boy) and I do not dwarf like a regular 16 y/o girl usually would. He's a girl's horse, he's friendly, sweet, has get go, and always whickers and noses at my pockets when he feels like something is wrong. This is the pony I get to spend my summer with. He follows me around the pasture, plays tag with me, he's amazing.

And to top it all off, he taught me to ride. We've shared bonding time for nearly nine years now.

Love you, Theodore.

You don't have to yell...

" Everybody take a breath, Why are all your faces red? We're missing all the words you said. You don't have to yell. Draw your lines and choose your side, 'cause many things are worth the fight. But louder doesn't make you right. You don't have to yell"



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-71-kZX97xI

Nobody or Everybody

School. ..... School..... More school.... Home.... Parents.... Unhappy parents... School.... Unhappy person... Flustered buddy.... Confused me? How did all this happen? Earlier this year I swear I could've been maintaining everything nearly perfectly.... for a week. Can I really not make anybody happy? I want to go crawl in a hole, live on Stewart by myself while I get things sorted out.... Hold up a sec, do you see the problem here? I think I'm starting to. I am only focused on self and my abilities. I don't mean to be a bother, I just haven't matured to the point of where I can see these things coming from a mile away. Even though I have seen some things coming and can typically predict the next move, I still have no clue how to go about taking care of it in such a way that it is best for the needs of the many, and not the one. My name means nothing in a million, yet I am special because I have the power to make a difference. Don't we all? I only takes one person to make a move for a hundred others to follow. That's what Jesus did. He came to show us what God - our Father, our Lover - really is like. To show what it means to be a Godly being. He gave us an example to follow. Can we achieve it to the key? No. We are human. Jesus was the superhuman, concieved in a virgin by the Holy Spirit's seed. Nuts? Of course it is, but the idea of a greater being loving us so much that He's never gonna let go of us is also nuts. But such as these are none the less true. If I trust my God... If I love my God... Shouldn't it be easy to follow His example? I mean, I'm a Christian, right? No. It's not always going to be easy. The biggest thing Jesus asked us to do while He was here is love one another. That doesn't mean chummy chummy. Love is not that infatuated friendship. Love is doing something for someone, being caring, or just letting well enough alone/"sleeping dogs lie" even when you don't feel like it or highly dislike them at the time.  This is not the easiest thing in the world to do. Will Satan make it hard? Of course he will! Do you think he wants us profusely and blindly following the Savior? Aw, heck no! But if listening, seeking out, and timidly following Christ's steps is thrown out the window, then what do I have left? I have nothing. No plan. No love. No way to live. I'll be as good as the shadow that mimicks my living body: lifeless and spun about like top leaning in every direction. It doesn't work. Answer to problems? Seek Him out. Rely on Him. Focus on Him and those around you. Forget about your selfish needs. God will take care of you. Give it a week of this behavior, earnestly trying. A difference after that week? I think so. Are you gonna try it? Are you, LMF gonna try it? The one who seeks no help, reduces her self down the lazy jockish mind, and scrambles to accomplish everything she sets out to do? Yes. I will try it. I Godless life while calling myself a Christian is asinine and hypocritical. Perhaps this was the real problem all along.

the secret I never told last time...

So the secret to knowing which from which is body language and touch/no touch. I'll let you turn that over in your mind, because it really could be anything. It just all depends, and its more fun to leave it up to imagination for this kind of stuff anyways.

Secrets are curious things. You keep them, you may feel the urge to tell them, you may try to cover them up at all costs, while others uncover themselves regardless of your actions to hide it. There are others that you may have to tell eventually due to it being a medical emergency or it eats away at you like a rot to festering or dead flesh. Yes, secrets are odd little things. And we keep many. Mainly secrets from our parents because we don't want them rooting around in our personal lives. But there are some secrets that we eventually can't live with any more and we have to lay them down. I choose to lay mine at my Savior's feet. He won't tell, He won't judge. I can trust Him. Perhaps this is why God made secrets so fragile...

friends=family......sometimes.

I have a secret. this thing.... some might call it an odd little quirk, others may just call it a personality trait, or better yet: "how I roll...." =P lol But seriously, I have this weird thing about my friends. Like everybody else, I have acquaintances, good friends, old friends, friend friends, friends across vast expanses, and my inner circle. A considerable amount I consider "family" but depending on how close I am to that person will depend on whether or not they feel like a "cousin" or "a distant relative" or "sibling"... (I do have two people who I consider the "the twin that was separated at birth" and rightly so. One I've known my whole life anyways and with the way we are with each other, its very hard for people to remember that we are not  born twins... heck we even look like each other! the other one? well, lets just say we're almost exactly the same... ;) Anyways, some are like family... but how do you tell which ones I'm closest to? which ones are my inner circle? now thats the secret... ;) 

I will seriously tell it later but I'm to zonked to finish it tonight =P

Quotes, Running, and Unfathomable Energy

So yesterday was the 11th of January when it turned out only to get up to 39*F at 2:30 PM before it started dropping down very quickly. =P Cj and I went running. Beautiful sunny day, thinking it was only about 43 and that we were gonna get hot and sweaty, we left our jackets behind. After awhile of running, we realized our extremities were not getting any warmer. About 2/3 of the way through the run, Cj, between breaths, says,"It's like running through life: it's uncomfortable and exhausting. The only thing that makes it worth it is who you're running with." I turned this over and over in the back of my mind for the rest of the time we were out there. It's true... If there was nothing in life, would it really be worth living? If we had no friends, no family, no teachers or students, no God? Not even a pack (pack? herd? whatever...) of lemmings to keep you company. That would like totally be le peaux! There really would be no reason to live except to survive and then die. He brought up a couple other good points about life to, but unless you live in Skagit and know a lil bit about us then it probably wouldn't make sense worth diddly squat. So we were walking out and bringing our heart rates back down and the sun was sinking lower in the west. We talked about not killing ourselves via pain and toughing it out. (I don't like feeling wuss... I hate not pushing past the pain... unless it means hugs) He drove me home and I went on with my day.
Next day (today) was more finals.... It went pretty horribly.... by the end of the day, my stomach was hurtin something fierce and I coulda sworn that if I got another negative comment from anybody, I would lose. I didn't... I lived. I changed for basketball still stewing about hearing teachers and parents stressing finals and stressing students out by stressing finals. Mr. B comes in and we start soaring through a warm up of full court layups with accuracy, intensity, and this contagious positive energy. It was a nice change from the rest of the day. (man, I love my team! go t-wolves!) We shot our 3 pointers and did the Micah'n drill and which took up a total of 15 min out of our 2.25 hr practice. We scrimmaged the rest of the time. x) It was incredible! If we weren't playing, we were running. We literally ran for the next two hours just doing what we do best: playing the game and having a good time.  Afterwards, we still ran our sets of suicide drills, but we tapped into this energy that with a few seconds break, could keep us moving for a long time yet. We were charged, happy, and ready to roll. I can't describe just how amazing it feels to actually work well with people who have just as much love and intensity for the sport as you do yourself. If you don't like sports, too bad! read someone else's blog this round! lol but seriously? Find something you do enjoy... and see if you can break that barrier between exhausted and don't think you can go on, and I'm tired but I don't care, I love what I'm doing right now. See what happens when you do.
I got a Bible final to finish studying for. =)
till it's writ again...

So much...

Do you ever get the feeling like you want to cry, but you have no clue why? perhaps you search and search for a reason but find none, and then you end up feeling like a wuss? It's not dream, it's a nightmare...
I've been getting this strange unsettling feeling for the past month or so.... Everything, building up. NYC was no break. A vacation? yes, but quite the rat race. (i still liked it though). One week's worth of true break and mama constantly heatedly telling us our scholarly troubles and unfinished assignments in our ears. Basketball practice, a capella, snowboarding, 'tourney, choir clinic, and recently? babysitting the pony of my childhood dreams for the next few years! And believe me when I say that this sweet lil-ol-peppy guy is more stress reliever than inhibitor!
my head: "Mama's still freakin, and I'm still growing into me and breaking farther away... Why? what causes all this crap we have to deal in life? It smarts right n bad where it counts on the inside. Can't it just all go away? " fingers fly to work at the keyboard to finish a stray bit of forensics extra credit. " I wish I could run to someplace I know its safe... ... but then wouldn't that get us into more of a fix than we  already are?" fingers lay idly, and my back pushes against the chair, relieving discomfort from an awkward hunched position.  ".... I wish I could go bury my face in Teddy's mane... breathe in his sweet grassy scent... ...listen to his soft whickers and feel his strong muscles twitch and relax.... but I don't think he'll be in the mood of socializing till he really gets nicely settled in..." tap tap, tap tap, tap tap, tap tap... "This is when I pray and give up... surrender my all again to God..."
God (or atleast what sounded like God): "you know I'm always here for you... you know I will take it away if I can but I can give you peace if I'm not allowed to."
me: "but your God! you make the rules, how can you say you would if you could?"
God: "..."
me: "right... the second coming"
God: "I'm coming soon... soon no one will hurt anymore..."
me: "when?"
silence...

me: "right... back to work"
God: "I'm watching over you..."
me: "i wish i felt that more..."
silence again...
Me: " *sigh... i gotta try..."

could a nightmare be turned into a dream?